The past few weeks have been hard for me. Really hard. I've cried, I've screamed anted to run away and give up. I was honestly at a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave in to the notion that some people just aren't made to be parents and I'm one of them. I don't have the patience for it. I don't have enough love for all my kids and my husband and my friends and family. I felt completely drained and like a complete failure.
Then one morning while aimlessly scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed I came across an article that has really encouraged me and given me hope again. Maybe I'm not such a bad person but what I definitely am is an introvert.
What is an introvert?
introvert[ n., adj. in-truh-vurt; v. in-truh-vurt]
noun
1. a shy person.
2. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings (extrovert).
3. a part that is or can be introverted.
I've been this way since I can remember. It's not that I don't like people because I actually love people and I enjoy having company and going out and doing things but I also very much enjoy being alone. I am very self aware and often need time to process my thoughts and feelings. I need alone time. I need time to recharge my batteries and organize my thoughts and while I've always known this, I never thought that it could have anything to do with parenting. I just never put the two together.
After reading this article a lightbulb went on in my head. So this is why I've been struggling so hard lately. This is why I feel like I'm two seconds away from being committed. It all makes so much sense. I've had no time to myself at all lately. I'm with at least one of the kids all day. They follow me around everywhere and even when the twins are napping I still have Lily who doesn't nap anymore. Although I make her have quiet time she still will come and ask me things from time to time and I feel obligated to spend some one on one time with her during the twins' nap time. Nap time is also when I get some of my chores done. If I didn't do it then, it would never get done. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself these days! Then, when all of my girls are safe and sound in bed for the night, I have to spend time with my hard working husband, or else he will start to feel neglected. Then it's time for bed. This leaves me absolutely zero time to myself. I am with someone 24 hours a day and when you have no time for yourself for days upon days, it can really wear a person down. Especially an introvert.
I literally felt like I was one more second away from a serious mental breakdown. I began to have panic attacks daily and started to really regret having any children at all. I felt angry at God for giving me twins and angry at myself for getting pregnant again.
I never felt this way when I had my first daughter because I went to work everyday for the first two and a half years of her life and I got enough alone time when I was working, even if it was just the drive to and from work everyday. I really miss those drives. Just me, myself, and I.
It's not like I need "me time" to go out shopping or go get a pedicure or have a girls night out. Although those things sound wonderful right now, I just need some time to think. That's it. Just a little time everyday where I can be alone and process my thoughts and recharge.
Now that I understand this about myself, I have to admit that things are getting a bit better. I make an effort now to cut out a little time for myself each day, even if it's only 30 minutes. This usually happens when the kids go to bed. I discussed this epiphany with my husband and thankfully he fully understands. While having 3 young children is still very trying at times, it is a little more bearable now.
I just wanted to share this with other parents who may be having trouble. It's not that you're a bad parent, you might just be an introvert, and maybe, you just need a few minutes alone to just...breathe.
Here is the post that helped me rediscover myself:
