What is depression? True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere witheveryday life for weeks or longer.
It began affecting my loved ones. I would do the absolute minimum with the kids because all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day. My friendships suffered because I never wanted to talk or leave my house. It hurt my marriage because I wasn't happy and often lashed out at my husband due to my own frustrations. My house was going to shit because I never had enough motivation or drive to clean it. I would only do things out of complete necessity, and nothing more. I didn't believe it was depression at first. I thought I was just being weak and lazy. I would tell myself to suck it up and snap out of it...but it was impossible. I tried so very hard to cover it up with smiles and outings, but I was just fooling myself. The more I tried to be my old self, the more frustrated and depressed I got. I told myself it was normal to be this exhausted because I'm taking care of 3 young children all day. That it was normal to be this depressed when we are struggling so hard financially. It wasn't until thoughts of suicide entered my head that I even considered seeking help.
I would obsess over death and it scared me. I reached out to a few people here and there but I would minimize my symptoms and brush it off. I felt ashamed and alone. I felt like a failure.
Thankfully, I recently had a doctors appointment for something completely unrelated. While talking with my doctor he noticed how anxious I was and began to ask me questions. I am so grateful that he took the time out of his busy schedule to do this. He concluded that I was indeed severely depressed and prescribed me some medication.
Still, I didn't believe it and I didn't get the prescription filled. I thought maybe he was mistaken. This was just a phase. I'm just going through a rough patch. I thought that everything would start to improve.
I was wrong.
Two weeks later I had a complete meltdown and a terrible panic attack. I stayed in bed nearly all day and sobbed. I felt absolutely hopeless. I felt like I had nothing left in me. I had a lump in my throat that refused to go away and I desperately wanted to crawl out of my skin. That night I woke up around 3 am. I couldn't breathe and felt like I was having a heart attack. My stomach was in knots and I started vomiting. This lasted about 20 minutes but it felt like hours. I actually thought this was it, I'm going to die right now. I was just about to call 911 when I started to feel a little bit better. I got back into bed and put my head on my husband's chest. I listened to his heart beat and breaths and tried to slow and steady mine. I finally drifted back to sleep.
The next day, with Jeremy's encouragement I got my prescription filled. I felt so hopeless, unable to function properly, and I prayed that this medicine would help, even if just a little. I craved relief. A break to come up for air and escape my sorrows that seemed to be swallowing me whole.
The antidepressant that I am taking takes a little while to build up in your system to be fully effective but I am already feeling better. It's been a week and my energy is slowly coming back and I feel like I can breathe again. I still have ups and downs, as we all do, but I'm on the right path. Now that I am feeling somewhat normal again I can see how bad off I truly was. I am so glad that I got help and I am looking forward to actually meaning it when I say, "I'm fine".
Severe depression and anxiety are serious conditions that should not be taken lightly.
My advice is this:
You're often the best and most reliable judge of whether you're okay or not. If you think something's wrong, it probably is. Don't let guidelines set up by others, expectations placed on you by your family or yourself, or misguided advice discourage you from getting the help that you need.
Here are some good websites if you think you have depression or would like to learn more about it:
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