Say Cheese!

I've always loved photography and I have decided to make a business out of it. It's a great way to express my creativity and make some much needed extra money. Problem is, in this area, there are a gazillion other photographers and they all do amazing work. 

I created a Facebook page and did a few free photo shoots for people to get a little experience and start on a portfolio. I've advertised here and there but just haven't been very successful. I'm not going to give up that easily on this though. I got my dream camera for Christmas and am saving my pennies for more equipment and props. I truly love doing it and I hope it will eventually become a full time gig for me. Until then, I'm taking a few online photography classes and practicing on my friends and family.

Do any of you have any tips for me? 

Anyone know of any good photo shoot locations in Northern Virginia? I obviously don't have a studio yet either so any indoor location ideas would be extremely helpful. 

Here is my Facebook photography site:

https://www.facebook.com/charmedchaos3

Like the name of my business? Hehe!! 

And of course if anyone wants some pictures done, please let me know!

Here are a few examples of some photos that I have taken: 

My Secret Struggle

I couldn't decide whether to write this or not. Most people don't know this about me but I feel the need to get it off my chest and maybe it will explain some of my recent actions (or lack thereof). I've been battling severe depression and anxiety for awhile. I tried to ignore it at first but it just got worse. 

What is depression? True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere witheveryday life for weeks or longer.

It began affecting my loved ones. I would do the absolute minimum with the kids because all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day. My friendships suffered because I never wanted to talk or leave my house. It hurt my marriage because I wasn't happy and often lashed out at my husband due to my own frustrations. My house was going to shit because I never had enough motivation or drive to clean it. I would only do things out of complete necessity, and nothing more.  I didn't believe it was depression at first. I thought I was just being weak and lazy. I would tell myself to suck it up and snap out of it...but it was impossible. I tried so very hard to cover it up with smiles and outings, but I was just fooling myself. The more I tried to be my old self, the more frustrated and depressed I got. I told myself it was normal to be this exhausted because I'm taking care of 3 young children all day. That it was normal to be this depressed when we are struggling so hard financially. It wasn't until thoughts of suicide entered my head that I even considered seeking help. 

I would obsess over death and it scared me. I reached out to a few people here and there but I would minimize my symptoms and brush it off. I felt ashamed and alone. I felt like a failure.

Thankfully, I recently had a doctors appointment for something completely unrelated. While talking with my doctor he noticed how anxious I was and began to ask me questions. I am so grateful that he took the time out of his busy schedule to do this. He concluded that I was indeed severely depressed and prescribed me some medication. 

Still, I didn't believe it and I didn't get the prescription filled. I thought maybe he was mistaken. This was just a phase. I'm just going through a rough patch. I thought that everything would start to improve. 

I was wrong. 

Two weeks later I had a complete meltdown and a terrible panic attack. I stayed in bed nearly all day and sobbed. I felt absolutely hopeless. I felt like I had nothing left in me. I had a lump in my throat that refused to go away and I desperately wanted to crawl out of my skin. That night I woke up around 3 am. I couldn't breathe and felt like I was having a heart attack. My stomach was in knots and I started vomiting. This lasted about 20 minutes but it felt like hours. I actually thought this was it, I'm going to die right now. I was just about to call 911 when I started to feel a little bit better. I got back into bed and put my head on my husband's chest. I listened to his heart beat and breaths and tried to slow and steady mine. I finally drifted back to sleep. 

The next day, with Jeremy's encouragement I got my prescription filled. I felt so hopeless, unable to function properly, and I prayed that this medicine would help, even if just a little. I craved relief. A break to come up for air and escape my sorrows that seemed to be swallowing me whole. 

The antidepressant that I am taking takes a little while to build up in your system to be fully effective but I am already feeling better. It's been a week and my energy is slowly coming back and I feel like I can breathe again. I still have ups and downs, as we all do, but I'm on the right path. Now that I am feeling somewhat normal again I can see how bad off I truly was. I am so glad that I got help and I am looking forward to actually meaning it when I say, "I'm fine".

Severe depression and anxiety are serious conditions that should not be taken lightly. 

My advice is this:

You're often the best and most reliable judge of whether you're okay or not. If you think something's wrong, it probably is. Don't let guidelines set up by others, expectations placed on you by your family or yourself, or misguided advice discourage you from getting the help that you need.

Here are some good websites if you think you have depression or would like to learn more about it: 

http://www.adaa.org/

http://www.depressionconnection.org/

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

Facebook Yardsale!? I'm in!

I've always been a fan of yardsales. I like to think that I can see the beauty in things that other people think are ugly or worthless, but I also just love a good deal. There's just something about it that I've always loved. So naturally, when I heard about these virtual yardsales on Facebook I had to check it out. I'm now a member of so many I can't keep track of them all. But, are they a good thing? In moderation, I think yes, but I have become a full fledged virtual yardsale addict. 

The first step is admitting that I have a problem, right? Well I do. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have an extremely addictive personality. Anything that makes me feel happy I tend to over do which always leads to problems. Once I discovered that I could get good deals on like new items and also make money on these sites by selling my old stuff (much easier and faster than Craigslist I might add) I was hooked. Suddenly, whenever anyone saw me, my nose was in my phone...on a yardsale site. I began going through all my stuff, my kid's stuff, and even my husband's stuff. We definitely had way too many things and I was glad to get rid of it. Once I realized how much we had lying around just taking up space, I became totally consumed with getting rid of it. All of it. I actually made a decent amount of money at first, and it felt great to purge, but all good things must come to an end and I didn't want it to. I had come to rely on that income. 

The worst part of my virtual sale addiction is that I also developed another obsession in the process. Coach bags. I've never been into purses nor name brands but all of a sudden I wanted every Coach purse that I could get my hands on. Luckily, this was short lived. I ran out of money and came back to reality and realized that spending so much money on a purse that I would hardly use is just insane. I still love them and adore the ones I have but I don't need every style and color like I wanted before. 

I have started to limit my time on Facebook, including the yard sale sites. It was taking over my days (and nights) and I have 3 little girls to raise. They are way more important than any bargain. 

However, if you haven't discovered the world of virtual yardsaling, I highly recommend it. It's a good way to get rid of stuff that you no longer want or need while making a few extra bucks. It's also a great resource for saving a few dollars when looking for a particular item. It's especially wonderful for buying kid's clothes, shoes, and toys. 

Just beware...for some of us it can be very addicting. 

A Birth Story: Em & Zoe

In honor of my twins turning a year old this past week, I wanted to share their birth story. So here it is...

It was a cold December day in 2013 when I first took a pregnancy test. My period was just a few days late but something just felt different. I really didn't think I was pregnant and was really just taking the test to reassure myself. I peed, and immediately the "+" symbol came up. My heart sank and a whirlwind of emotions took over me. I quietly walked out of the bathroom and sat on the bed and slowly rocked myself back and forth. I wasn't sad...nor completely thrilled. I was just stunned. I had only been off the pill for a month due to insurance issues.

Jeremy came home from work and I told him the news. He was definitely surprised too but he was happy, which made me happy.

A day or two went by and we decided to tell our daughter, who was 3 years old at the time. We sat her down and informed her that she was going to be a big sister. We then asked her what she thought mommy was going to have, a boy or a girl? She looked at us and with absolute certainty said, "You have two babies mommy. Two girls". Jeremy and I laughed it off and shook our heads. We then explained to her that the (one) baby would be growing in mommy's belly and that she would get to feel the baby moving in there soon. 

About a week later, I started to get some pretty bad cramping. Having had three miscarriages before, I got nervous and very worried. So, I called my mom and Jeremy, and we went to the hospital to get checked out. I wasn't bleeding but my stomach was in knots. I just knew something wasn't right. They took me back to have an ultrasound done. The tech turned the screen away from me so that we couldn't see it. During the screening he asked me if I had done In vitro fertilization. I said no and then gave my mom an anxious glance. Why would he ask me that? What was wrong? We tried to ask him a few questions but he told us that we would have to talk to the doctor. My heart sank. I thought that for sure meant that something was wrong. If the baby was fine, he would just tell us right? We finished up and went back to my room. A few minutes later the doctor walked in. Without warning, she looked at me and said loudly, "Well Mrs. Mullins, Congratulations, you're having twins! Everything looks great". My mouth fell open and my eyes started to water as I tried to process what she had just told me. Jeremy looked and her and said out loud, "Are you fucking joking!?" and asked her who put her up to this. I was in such shock that I didn't even reprimand him for using that language. I looked over at my mom and she was in tears too. None of us could believe what we had just heard. I was so excited but also so scared. This changed everything. It was one thing to have one more kid but two more!? Could I even handle two more kids? I would soon find out. My sweet little Lily was right. Mommy was having two babies. 

My pregnancy was rough. Much harder than my first one.  I was extremely sick the first trimester and half of the second. I lost 20lbs during that period because I couldn't hold anything down, even after trying every nausea medication known to man kind. I was exhausted all the time and often in a lot of pain. Especially once the babies got bigger. I was sure they were going to break my ribs. I also had tons of doctor appointments every month. I had my regular OB and then a high risk pregnancy doctor to see. 

Since Jeremy and I already had a girl we were really hoping for a boy. I think every man wants to have a son of their own and I dreamed of having one too. The day we found out the genders was a tough one. When the nurse told us that we were having two girls, I tried so hard to look happy but the tears just kept rolling down my face. Jeremy didn't speak for 2 days. I knew he was upset. And even though men are the ones who determine the sex of a child, I still felt like I had failed him by not giving him the boy he has always wanted. Thankfully, this disappointment was short lived. Our babies were healthy and that was most important. We accepted the fact that we were adding two more precious baby girls to our family and grew more excited to meet them everyday.  

Picking out their names was quite an ordeal. Jeremy and I couldn't agree on anything. At first I wanted rhyming names or names that started with the same letter but Jeremy talked me out of it. He is a twin himself so he knows what it's like to be one. He wanted them to have completely different names, as they are two completely different people. He said that they would be lumped together enough as it is. He was right. We decided on Emma Lee and Zoey Leigh. Our oldest has my middle name so we decided to give the twins Jeremy's middle name, just spelled differently. 

By 30 weeks, I was huge, miserable, and ready to get those babies out! But I had to wait 8 more weeks. At 38 weeks the girls were both breech so I was scheduled for a c-section. I delivered Lily vaginally so this was a whole new experience. I was fearful but I was ready. It was hard to walk, hard to breathe, and sleeping was near impossible at this point. The night before my surgery I packed my bags and stupidly watched a You Tube video of a c-section. I was curious about how they do it. It was a really bad move. If you are getting ready to have a c-section, DO NOT watch any videos of it until after the procedure. Just trust me. Don't do it. 

My section was scheduled for 10am. I couldn't wait to meet my little twinkies. I got prepped and walked back to the operating room with a nurse by myself. They wouldn't let Jeremy come in until I was all set up. It wasn't what I had in mind at all. The room was bright white and the glaring lights were intense. It was very cold and there were shiny metal instruments everywhere. I was terrified and felt very alone. The nurses were very nice of course but it was so different than what I had previously experienced. My vaginal delivery had been in a nice cozy room with comforting lighting, and with my family surrounding me. 

They sat me on the cold operating table to do my spinal. Because I was so nervous my body was very tense and I couldn't stop shaking. It took them nearly 30 excruciating minutes to finally get it in properly. Every time they tried I cried out in pain. He was hitting a nerve or something and it hurt so badly. I was so relieved when they finally got it in. I could feel the medicine working and a warm feeling spread through my body. They laid me down on the table and put my arms out so that I looked like the letter "T". They put up the blue sheet so that I couldn't see what they were doing to me. I trembled with fear and my throat was tight with anxiety. At that point I saw the most wonderful sight...my husband. He looked down at me and asked if I was ok. I shook my head saying no and hot tears started streaming down my face. He wiped them and held my hand and tried to comfort me. I can't even express how happy I was that he was there. I began to relax a bit but the medicine took it's toll and I began to vomit. My whole body shook back and forth as they worked on me. I couldn't feel anything but the nausea was terrible. I threw up again and again. I had just gotten done puking when I heard the first cry. The feeling you get when you hear your baby for the first time ever is intensely amazing. A doctor brought her over to us. She was magnificent. Emma weighed 5lbs 2oz. I was smiling at Jeremy when I heard them say the second baby was out. I listened hard for her cry but I didn't hear it and became uneasy again. Finally, that breathtaking sound filled the room and I got to see my stunning Zoey. She weighed in at 4lbs 13oz. The doctor told me that both babies were healthy and that I could keep them for now. Meaning they wouldn't have to go to the NICU. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, grinned from ear to ear, and then got sick yet again. 

After sowing me up, the babies, Jeremy, and I got moved to a very small recovery room. The nausea had finally started to subside and I got to spend some time with both of my girls. I even tried to breast feed. After about 15 mins I got hooked up to my best friend, the pain medicine machine, and taken to another bigger room, where I would stay for the remainder of my time in the hospital. As the anesthesia wore off, the pain grew more intense. I can't tell you how many times I pushed that damn button for more medicine. It dulled the pain a little bit, but I was still hurting bad. To me though, that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was not being able to feel or move my legs for 3 hours after the surgery. It drove me absolutely insane. All I wanted was to stand up and move around and I couldn't. Even after I could feel my legs again, they wouldn't let me get up until very early the next morning. Once I could get up and move around, I felt much better. Still in a lot of pain and very sleep deprived, but at least I had control of my body again. 

Taking care of two newborns is hard. Taking care of two newborns when you are recovering from a cesarean is even harder. Jeremy had to immediately go back to work so we could keep a roof over our heads. Thankfully my mom stayed with me every night that I was in the hospital. I don't know what I would've done without her. I'm also very grateful for my mother in law who kept Lily with her during this time. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and then got to come home with my little angels. 

This past year has gone by so fast. Watching Emma and Zoey grow and learn has been incredible. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would be a mom to twins but I'm so glad I am. Happy first birthday to my darling little babies. Emma Lee & Zoey Leigh. September 3, 2013. 

So THAT just happened...

**WARNING: If you are eating something either put it down or do not read this. 

Well, quite possibly the most disgusting moment of my life just happened. 

Zoey was being fussy even after I held her for a minute so I checked her diaper and sure enough she had pooped. She had obviously been constipated. Her poop was little round hard balls. After getting her cleaned up and changed, I set the dirty diaper folded up on the coffee table. Jeremy's phone had been ringing while I was mid-change so I went downstairs to let him know that someone had called (thinking it was important or about work or something). I came upstairs back into the living room and I noticed that Emma was chewing something. Then she made a face and spit out something brown. My first thought was, "where the heck did she get chocolate?".  And then I saw it, little pieces of poo surrounding Emma. One piece had a little chunk out of it and there was also some in her hand. OH MY GOSH!! My kid just ate poop!!!! I was absolutely horrified. My baby girl had just pulled the diaper off of the table and took a big bite of her sisters crap. SO GROSS! I wanted to run away and go throw up but I couldn't. I immediately grabbed the wipes and got the shit out of her hand. Then I shoved them in her mouth, getting everything I could out of it. Then I took her to the sink, rinsed out her mouth, and gave her a bottle of milk. 

She was totally unscathed and happy as a clam but I on the other hand was freaking out. Could this hurt her? Will she get sick? Will she throw up? Ugh, I am such a bad mother. Why couldn't I have just thrown the diaper away before I ran downstairs for a minute? 

As Emma cheerfully drank her milk, I scoured the internet. What I found put me a little bit at ease. Apparently, this has happened to other moms as well. Thank goodness I wasn't the only one! That fact alone made me feel better. The more I read, the more I realized that my poop eating baby should be just fine. I'm going to keep an eye on her of course and watch for any symptoms but so far, she is still as happy as could be. Mama is still mortified (and still a little queasy) but I will live...I think. 😨😷😖

Emma, after the incident. 

Ready or not, Here we come!

It's finally here. The day I've been dreaming about for months. The day my husband and I leave for the beach without the kids. I am going to get a whole week to just breathe and relax and recharge my batteries!! You would think I would be absolutely estatic, and I am, but I'm also feeling anxious, nervous, even a little sad. 

My parents are the greatest. It's been a rough year. Being pregnant with the twins was hard and then having them and taking care of them up to this point was even harder. And helping my 4 year old deal with suddenly not being an only child x2 also had it's challenges. Some days she is more difficult to deal with than the twins. So, when my Dad offered to get us a condo on the beach, I jumped on it. A free place to stay at the beach for a week? Uh, no brainer. Then, on top of it, they offered to watch our children AND gave us a bit of spending money!! So incredibly generous and selfless and I truly cannot thank them enough. They are giving us so much more than a beach condo at a nice resort, free childcare, and money. They are giving us time. Time for me to rediscover myself, time to make some memories with my best friend who is joining us for the first 2 days of our trip, and time for my husband and I to fall even deeper in love and spend some quality time together. Again, I really cannot thank them enough. I don't even know how to begin to show them my gratitude for this. 

As thrilled as I am about all of that, this will also be the longest I've ever been away from my 3 beautiful girls. I am going to miss them so bad it's hurts. I know that. But I also know that they will be in the best possible hands. And this will be such a great opportunity for them to bond with their grandparents. I just can't help but worry, it's just in my nature. It's so hard to just let go but I'm going to have to.  All I have to say is thank goodness for FaceTime. 

On top of the emotional roller coaster that I'm on this morning, there are the normal worries that come along with any vacation. Packing for a family of 5 is a huge job. I have to make sure the kids have everything that they need for a week, that we have everything that we will need for a week, and make sure that our pets have everything that they need. That's a lot of stuff and I fear that I will inevitably forget something. As I'm writing this, I just remembered 2 more things that I need to pack. I better get moving 😊. 

Beach vacation, ready or not, here we come! 

A Blast from the Past : 1987

Today I turn 27 years old...

Born in 1987

In 1987, the world was a different place. 

There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo. 

In 1987, the year of your birth, the top selling movie was Fatal Attraction. People buying the popcorn in the cinema lobby had glazing eyes when looking at the poster. 

Remember, that was before there were DVDs. People were indeed watching movies in the cinema, and not downloading them online. Imagine the packed seats, the laughter, the excitement, the novelty. And mostly all of that without 3D computer effects. 

Do you know who won the Oscars that year? The academy award for the best movie went to The Last Emperor. The Oscar for best foreign movie that year went to Babette's Feast. The top actor was Michael Douglas for his role as Gordon Gekko in Wall Street. The top actress was Cher for her role as Loretta Castorini in Moonstruck. The best director? Bernardo Bertolucci for The Last Emperor. 

In the year 1987, the time when you arrived on this planet, books were still popularly read on paper, not on digital devices. Trees were felled to get the word out. The number one US bestseller of the time was The Tommyknockers by Stephen King. Oh, that's many years ago. Have you read that book? Have you heard of it? Look at the cover! 

In 1987... Aretha Franklin becomes the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Pennsylvania Treasurer Budd Dwyer shoots and kills himself with a revolver during a televised press conference after being found guilty on charges of bribery, fraud, conspiracy, and racketeering. The last Ohrbach's department store closes in New York City after 64 years of operation. British Airways is privatised and listed on the London Stock Exchange. Supernova 1987A, the first "naked-eye" supernova since 1604, is observed. U.S. President Ronald Reagan addresses the American people on the Iran-Contra Affair, acknowledging that his overtures to Iran had 'deteriorated' into an arms-for-hostages deal. The Simpsons cartoon first appears on The Tracy Ullman Show. Rudolf Hess is found dead in his cell in Spandau Prison. Hess, 93, is believed to have committed suicide by hanging himself with an electrical flex. He was the last remaining prisoner at the complex, which is soon demolished. NASCAR driver Bill Elliott sets all time fastest lap at Talladega Superspeedway, with 212.8 miles per hour. Lieutenant Colonel Sitiveni Rabuka executes a bloodless coup in Fiji. Nineteen year-old West German pilot Mathias Rust evades Soviet air defenses and lands a private plane on Red Square in Moscow. He is immediately detained. The first ever Edgefest festival takes place at Molson Park in Barrie, Ontario. Guns N' Roses release their debut album, Appetite For Destruction. The Federal Communications Commission rescinds the Fairness Doctrine, which had required radio and television stations to "fairly" present controversial issues. Unknown perpetrators hijack the signal of WGN-TV for about 20 seconds, and WTTW for about 90 seconds, and displays a strange video of a man in a Max Headroom mask. The video game of the day was The Legend of Zelda. 

That was the world you were born into. Since then, you and others have changed it. 

The Nobel prize for Literature that year went to Joseph Brodsky. The Nobel Peace prize went to Óscar Arias Sánchez. The Nobel prize for physics went to Johannes Georg Bednorz and Karl Alexander Müller from West Germany for their important break-through in the discovery of superconductivity in ceramic materials. The sensation this created was big. But it didn't stop the planets from spinning, on and on, year by year. Years in which you would grow bigger, older, smarter, and, if you were lucky, sometimes wiser. Years in which you also lost some things. Possessions got misplaced. Memories faded. Friends parted ways. The best friends, you tried to hold on. This is what counts in life, isn't it? 

The 1980s were indeed a special decade. The Soviet-Afghan war goes on. Eastern Europe sees the collapse of communism. Policies like Perestroika and Glasnost in the Soviet Union lead to a wave of reforms. Protests are crushed down on Tiananmen Square in China. Ethiopa witnesses widespread famine. Nicolae Ceausescu is overthrown. The AIDS pandemic begins. The role of women in the workplace increased greatly. MTV is launched in the US. There is opposition against Apartheid in South Africa as well as worldwide. Heavy Metal and Hard Rock bands are extremely popular. The rise of Techno music begins. Originally primarily played on campus radio stations, College Rock enters the scene with bands like the Pixies, REM and Sonic Youth. The Hip Hop scene continues to evolve. Teletext is introduced. Gay rights become more widely accepted in the world. Opposition to nuclear power plants grows. The A-Team and Seinfeld are popular on TV. US basketball player Michael Jordan bursts on the scene. Super Mario Bros, Zelda's Link, and Pac-Man gain fame in video games. People wear leggings, shoulder pads and Ray-Ban sunglasses. 

Do you know what was on the cover of Life that year? 

Do you remember the movie that was all the rage when you were 15? Signs. Do you still remember the songs playing on the radio when you were 15? Maybe it was How You Remind Me by Nickelback. Were you in love? Who were you in love with, do you remember? 

In 1987, 15 years earlier, a long time ago, the year when you were born, the song La Bamba by Los Lobos topped the US charts. Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the tune? Sing along. 

Para bailar la Bamba
Para bailar la Bamba
Se necesita una poca de gracia
Una poca de gracia
Pa mi y pa tiv Ahi arriba ahi arriba
Ahi arriba ahi arriba
Por ti sere
Por ti sere
Yo no soy Marinero
Yo no soy Marinero
Soy Capitan soy Capitan
... 

There's a kid outside, shouting, playing. It doesn't care about time. It doesn't know about time. It shouts and it plays and thinks time is forever. You were once that kid. 

When you were 9, the movie Dragonheart was playing. When you were 8, there was Jumanji. When you were 7, there was a Disney movie out called Pocahontas. Does this ring a bell? 

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... it's 1987. There's TV noise coming from the second floor. Someone turned up the volume way too high. The sun is burning from above. These were different times. The show playing on TV is Remington Steele. The sun goes down. Someone switches channels. There's Thirtysomething on now. That's the world you were born in. 

Progress, year after year. Do you wonder where the world is heading towards? The technology available today would have blown your mind in 1987. Do you know what was invented in the year you were born? The Cholesterol Drug Statin. Digital Light Processing. Electronically-controlled Continuously Variable Transmission. 

Have you ever seen me? I'm the future
I represent how it's gonna be, I'm the future
Born in 1987, I'm the future
Party people get ready, it's the future
... 

That's from the song The Future by Bow Wow. 

In 1987, a new character entered the world of comic books: Mister Sinister. Bang! Boom! But that's just fiction, right? In the real world, in 1987, Aaron Carter was born. And Joss Stone. Tom Felton, too. And you, of course. Everyone an individual. Everyone special. Everyone taking a different path through life. 
It's 2014.

The world is a different place. 

What path have you taken?

To get your own birthyear information, go to: 

http://whathappenedinmybirthyear.com/